The DNA of Disconnect
Black American Depression IS in the DNA.
It all started with me trying to find something to watch on Netflix.
And I couldn’t find a damn thing.
It’s almost impossible to find anything that stimulates the mind. It’s all the same shit. Violence, slave stories, remakes, same storylines, Tyler Perry movies which are dreadful to watch. And I often wondered, when he opened his studios, was it only for him? I don’t see any producing, writing, or scripting for other artists. I did find it questionable when he name studio lots after stars, no judgement, just observation. How about the Sandra Bland lot? The Emmett Till stage? The group of brothers wrongly accused in the Central Park case (Central Park 5)? There are so many people and movements that could’ve been recognized and left in legacy, but he did the fucking Will Smith stage, mmmk.
The one thing I understand about celebrities much like the police, for contrast is that they live in their own world, separate from the reality that most people live. Touchless, disassociated, and cognitive dissonance is their frequency, involuntary I might add, just my opinion. They seem to need attention all the time while the rest of the world is doing real work. Not entertaining. Real work.
So consequently, I have a disdain for celebrities and moreover, celebrity worship. And I’ve noticed that this behavior is centered in United States. Money, movies, and music is all there is in the States. I love music. It’s diverse. Money is a necessity. But the movies suck!
Hours scrolling Netflix for movies that are “premieres” that came out 25 years ago. REALLY?
I have truly grown to like and appreciate foreign films. WAAAY Less violence. Deeper, more entrenched story plots. Intelligent and made well. It’s not about stardom it’s about producing a great cinematic experience.
I’ve become so detached the TV is background noise or OFF. As an Expat, America is becoming more and more disinteresting to me. Shows that had my devotion are memories in the wind. I don’t find pleasure in the violence or the language. I have never liked the words bitch or ho now they’re totally intolerable. I can’t listen. It’s not in my everyday life anymore and I have a blossomed respect for Women, especially those of us alone abroad and building new lives.
Mexicans don’t talk to or about each other like that in their culture at least not where I am. Their vocabulary is broader and more definitive than English. They even have more letters in their alphabet. They speak with mutual respect, I never hear arguing, again where I am in Mexico, violent acts of rage, acting out in public i.e. throwing things or storming off. Es muy tranquilo.
So, my intake has changed drastically. Moving further and further away from what I’ve known my whole life. It’s quite fascinating, actually. Now I just wonder where to find a good show. Most times I watch The Office. Prime TV in my eyes. It was a great time in my life when it was on. That show takes me to a happy place. Old movies, old sitcoms and I’m like, damn, is this all there is? Who knows.
But I’ll tell you what no more awards shows. I’m not watching stars give stars awards. Plus, I am so much older now, I barely know the celebrities lol. But thing is there’s no interaction with the people who watched and supported. Isn’t that supposed to be a time to celebrate by giving something back from the person, not just the movie? Everyone is getting rich off the people, yet very few give back. It’s quite jaw-dropping if you ask me.
America’s vibe leaves a bad taste in my mouth as a whole. From governmental organizations to Skid Row to the patriarchal system that holds it all up. It’s a bunch of bullshit. And the rest of the world looks, laughs, and beware’s.
I’ve had the chance to look at other cultures, and they seem more aligned with where I am, Mexico. People care for one another. They speak to each other with kindness. They are not mean or brash. They are patient, observant, and gentle. Mexicans look out for me!! They know the lay of the land. I have learned to always connect with locals wherever you are on the map.
I think what bothers me most is that I can’t take the US out of my DNA. It holds a lot of traumas, especially for Black Americans. Most folks are desensitized and drained. I understand and you can’t see it when you’re in it. But boy oh boy, the outside view is heavy. I wish I could put it down. But how can you, when it’s part of your roots? Interwoven into the fabric of your soul?
Black American depression is real inside and outside the Matrix. And you can’t drink it away, smoke it away, or fuck it away even though many have tried. I am learning to LIVE each day above it the noise, not beside it or behind it and not allowing it to stop me from evolving and loving myself more each day. Life teaches, we learn.
~Niki
It's like you're in my head. I detest watching movies and most TV shows are so stressful, I can't bare to watch. There is a show that started this season that is so cozy and comforting, that it has become a sweet and funny distraction from the noise. I hope they don't cancel, but if it's something positive, historically it doesn't last. Fingers crossed though.